Another commission came in for some fun this time, asking me to generate some original puns and plays on words for some future initiative cards that will come in a collected deck including d20 die results. Some of the entries were to correlate with either a natural 1 or a natural 20. Enjoy and if you’d like some commissioned help for your project or campaign, you can contact me here or over on my Fiverr page (link in the sidebar).
-If you can’t stand the heat, get out of, well, me. -Zygragor, Fire Beast
-Annoyed the insectomancer is stopping their schemes, she swatted at that horsefly absentmindedly from her saddle, then said to her companions, “Fly, you fools!”
-”We shouldn’t have eaten that green slime!”, the Sorcerer projected acidly.
-Specialist wizard seeking companions for a few small quests certain to succeed. Magi Keemis Aisle
-Draggin’ Down the Economy, the Life and Adventures of Incendiary Richard the Red and Scaly.
-”I can too help in this fight!” the Bard said, seeking accord.
-What do you call an adventurer running towards you in the dungeon? Don’t call them anything, get running!
-”Did you hear about that alchemical store selling potions to underaged wizards that blew up?” Fie Herbal
-Fee, Fi, Fo, and Fum Law, Grinding your enemies to dust, to make them be read, “Guilty!”.
-”When I said to -Light ‘Em Up- I didn’t mean that literally!”, Ozda the Ranger exclaimed, batting aside one of the now-glowing spears of the goblin hoard.
-”I know exactly where we can put this clever, bull-beast!”, the Wizard presented, amazed.
-How is it all the guests in the dark elf household can pronounce dark elf names correctly? The ones that couldn’t didn’t get to stay.
-What’s the difference between a mastiff in obedience school and a short thief, caught by a hunter? One is halfway to being a halfling mount and the other is a halfling halfway to being mounted on the wall.
-An adventurer’s shortcut to starting a fire, making dinner, and getting some peace and quiet: pick a fight with a dragon. What? No one said the fire, dinner, or quiet was for the adventurer… -Unsourced Dragon Joke-
-Sorting out the political situation with that king turned into a vampire thrall was easy, just a matter of getting ahead…
-Why can’t skeletons or zombies go for a long jog? They don’t have the constitution for it!
-Learn from yesterday, live for today, and bring Rope for tomorrow. -Aulburt Eynsteyn-
-”We’ve crawled through the mud that crawled back, squeezed through cracks in crumbling stone walls that talked, and fought demonic bats with baboon faces, but the thing I’m most confused about is where did you pull that 10 foot ladder from?”
-”Where did the evil necromancer lich keep his undead armies? His sleevies!”, Hildar the thief laughed, “Yes, he was likely using an intricate array of summoning circles and pockets of reality, impressive.” said Dolimor mumbled without looking up from his spellbook.
-”You couldn’t possibly defeat me, my monologue has only just begun!” -Exsanginous the Eloquent-
-How many Gnomes does it take to refresh a Light spell? 17. Nine to form a committee on more efficient Light spell use, four to start a research project on self-replenishing Light spells, three to debate what color the new Light spell should create, and one to replace the Light spell when it ends in the middle of their pros and cons presentation.
-Wooden toothpicks are the closest any orc has ever come to eating a vegetable.
-”I guess we’ll just have to knock down the walls then”, the Barbarian caved.
-”Matron Delia’s are the best and I’m sure she won’t miss just one.” the Cleric said piously.
-”I swear we’ve been past this tree before, but I’ll chip off another piece of bark from it anyhow”, the Ranger remarked.
-”Burning down a forest and everything in it just to flush out a few bandits is not something I can support”, the Druid said naturally.
-”These are the king’s jewels, caught from a thief at my personal expense before the vault keepers even knew they were missing. You are quite welcome your majesty and esteemed honor guard that escorted me in here.”, the Rogue stated brazenly.
-”Maybe physical combat in the ring against the Lord’s champion wasn’t the best idea,” shouted the Fighter, cagily.
-”I’ll climb up the cliff face myself, defeat his disciples, and put an end to the master,” the Monk escalated.
-”Your wiles and attacks shall not stop me, Lady Inmeressa the Blackguard,” the Paladin spoke, smitten.
-”Ever since I broke that wizards staff, all this energy has been great for my eldritch blasts, even if I do feel like I’ll blow up if I sneeze,” the Warlock erupted powerfully.
-What do you call the knight that protects evening meals? A paladin-er
-The old cobbler was having trouble seeing his work, so the cleric offered to help. She cast Heel, Light.
-Paw prints were left outside the scene of the murder and missing cows were recorded in nearby farms. An angry mob was looking for the killer and asked, “Where?”.
-An undead sorcerer was looking for a dead skin graft after a run in with adventurers, but his surgeon replied, “Liches get stitches”
-A wizard has a favorite flying mount he keeps at the top of his tower. He calls one stepladder Griffon and the other Griffoff.
-”I’ll take them from this world, blinded, choking, and rended” -Tag-line for a cursed flying carpet-
-What type of monster smells the best? Myrrhfolk
-The party enters into a fighting contest but the cleric spends his time imagining how he’ll spend his winning instead of casting spells, resulting in the fighter falling and the party losing thereafter. The announcer proclaimed it an unforced clerical error.
-Why are dwarves the best lighthouse keepers? They sit on the light and drink until the tower spins.
(1)Goblins are green, Kobolds are red. Keep moving that slowly, you’re gonna be dead.
(1)What, did you accidentally cast Slow on yourself or something?
(1)Your reaction time is worse than a sleeping treefolk in the winter.
(1)Did you spend all of last night drinking like a dwarf? Get moving!
(1)Any slower and you’d be self-targeted backwards time-travel spell.
(20)Try and leave some for the rest of your party, speedy!
(20)How were you so ready for a fight, were you looking over the DM’s shoulder? H
(20)Faster than a timestopped werecheetah with haste.
(20)You increased the speed of your feet. You stepped up to battle without any prattle, and certainly are the most fleet.
(20)Faster than a gnome trying to say all their nicknames.
(1)You may as well sit this one out, by the time you take your turn the battle will be over.
(20)No, going that fast doesn’t mean you get to take two turns.
-Better keep your mage safe from attacks, or they’ll be a sore-cerer.
-A mercenary monk specializes in martial arts blended with magic blasts and divine foresight, a psychic psi-kick sidekick.
-When is the best time to attack an enemy on the field of battle? Knight-time!
-The villain’s monologue is cut short by a crackle of energy in the air, and as he falls, he says, “Well, that was a shock.”